“You should relax more.”: Pressure to Constantly Perform and be Positive
Goal-oriented, self-directed, organized, and high-achieving, my female clients often find themselves pressured to “always be doing something” while hearing “you should relax more”.
During breakfast, they multitask with the morning news; while driving the kids to multiple school drop-offs before work, they listen to the latest podcast on positive thinking; using the restroom quickly between meetings, they text their children’s teacher back or remind their partner to pick up the milk. The internal chatter is never ending, and although some balls must inevitably drop, most feel like glass (can’t be dropped) as opposed to rubber (can bounce back around for another day). Relaxation, mindfulness, and joyful presence are annoying buzzwords, promoters of anger and shame, or simply too far away to be realistic. Burnout, depletion, and exhaustion are here.
“How has this happened?” they will ask me. “I am so organized, I am so scheduled, I am so good at making things happen! How can I not keep up with all of this? Be present with my family? Enjoy the little moments everyone tells me I’ll miss but today I am barely surviving? Why am I so angry and miserable?”
As a therapist (and human myself), I wish I had the magic solution for this all-too-often problem. The roles women play emotionally, financially, organizationally, relationally, and societally come at a high cost to their mental, socioemotional, relational, physical and financial health. Access to resources (quality childcare, healthy food, health care, leisure activities, safe housing, mental health support and care, positive family and community relationships, economic support, etc.) further impact their ability to navigate these roles and strains. Women are resilient and many of my clients are also exhausted and wanting more.
Each client's needs vary so naturally does our course of therapy. However, I’ll share five things that I have see be helpful in creating meaningful changes:
Itemize your daily tasks. Include observable activities you do (getting the kids ready), as well as those you do mentally (brainstorming how to make the budget stretch, birthday present ideas, or the quickest route between the doctor and work) and emotionally (soothing your child after a tough day at school; listening to your partner's work stress). CONGRATULATE yourself on being amazing, you are doing a lot, probably way too much :)
Take an inventory of the domains in your life (mental, physical, emotional, social, spiritual, financial, sexual, familial, etc.), including how full they are and what needs refilled. Think of this like a grocery store inventory: you need to know what you have and what is missing. Sidenote: there is no place for shame on the shelf during this inventory–you are doing the best you can!
List resources in your life that you could call for support, listing at least one for each domain above. Examples may include your: co-worker, partner(s), sister, friend, church member, dog sitter, hairdresser, therapist, babysitter, primary care physician, rabbi, yoga teacher, parent-friend from your child’s day care. Go outside the box and think of publicly available resources: free library events for your kids, public parks for exercise, pizza delivery, grocery pickup/delivery, medicine delivery, online virtual assistants, apps, etc.
Choose one domain or task where you will use one of your resources. Seriously. Write it down. Make the call within the next hour.
Notice how you feel. Any relief? Clarity? Anger or despair or resentment? Fear about asking for help?
In therapy, I work with clients to process their beliefs and stories about what they need/must/should do, their values and what they want to do, and how society, family, and culture impact these beliefs, stories and values. Shifting our roles, making different choices, and using resources may have real or feared consequences, and we work through these together. Change can be hard, and I witness women making them everyday, finding newfound strategies, self knowledge, self trust, and happier relationships.
If you resonate, reach out, and we can explore how we might work together in online therapy in Georgia. You deserve validation, resources, and support.
